The Oddest Scene Ever
by Tyret Varkim
Summary: A series of little fics filled with silliness
1. What Clay found on his way to do laundry

A/N: I was having trouble writing, so my very good friend suggested something to maybe get my ideas unstuck. Take what I did during the day and take a character and go from there. This idea popped into my head half an hour later :) Hope you enjoy

Clay had some laundry to do and Aisha had taken advantage of that fact to throw some of her things in his pile. The entire way to the laundry room, he held an interior monologue which consisted mostly of colourful swears and carefully chosen idioms.

He hadn't noticed the voices coming from behind the door. Not that the voices provided any clue as to what was happening.

It was very much a miracle that Clay didn't drop his laundry basket after he opened the door. Instead, he set it down and leaned in the doorframe. The first thing that had caught his eyes was Jensen doing push ups. That in itself wasn't unusual, except that he had a half full basket on his back. Cougar was sitting on the washing machine, occasionally pulling a piece of clothing out of the top-loading dryer and throwing it in Jensen's basket.

The tech suddenly said something totally unrelated. _"4 Across, Goddess of Fertility"_ Clay noticed the piece of paper on the ground in front of Jensen. Cougar picked up a crossword book and wrote down something. Only after that did he raise his head and acknowledged Clay's presence. He gave him a nod in place of hello.

"What did I just walk in on?" he asked curiously.

One piece of clothing went in the basket.

"Punishment."

"20 Down, Capital of France."

Clay raised an eybrow. "Do I want to know what he did?"

"Not really."

"Alright." He pushed his own basket to the washing machine. "You might as well take care of this for me. Keep him down there longer if he hasn't had enough."

Clay left before Cougar could say anything. If the sniper didn't do the laundry for him, he'd come back and take care of it later.


	2. Punch You

**A/N: **

**Well I changed my mind. I wrote this random little piece today so I decided to turn the "Oddest Scene Ever" into a series of small fics :) I changed the character to Jensen since he seems to be a constant, and I changed the name of Chapter 1. I don't know how often I will add chapters, these scenarios really come to me randomly.**

**Enjoy!**

_There is one thing that can turn Jake Jensen into a zombie. On second thought, maybe two. But we're dealing with only one of them here. Video Games. Mind you, this zombie has full Jensen attitude._

Jensen was hard at work –well more play than work to be frank– and was shooing away anyone that came close. But Pooch desperately needed his help and was hovering about.

"It's a matter of life or death, Jake. Jolene'll kill me if she finds out that I partially broke the laptop. You have got to help me retrieve the photos from it."

"Later. Busy."

Pooch took one step closer but was promptly kept at bay with a broom.

"Bubble. You're in it."

"Darn it, Jake! You don't know what baby pictures mean to a woman. They can turn rabid when you ruin them, even if they're just duplicates," he said while taking another step.

"Step in bubble again? Imma punch you. Giant about to kill me."

Pooch had had enough. Jake was a compulsive saver anyway, would save his games every few minutes so that he'd never lose any progress. Therefore interrupting him wouldn't have too much of a negative effect on his game and he could beat that giant at a later time. Pooch's life had priority.

Pooch took a deep breath, readying himself for the eventual punch, and rapidly walked up and pressed the power button. Jake blinked rapidly as if coming out of a trance and looked at Pooch. A second later, he threw the contents of his glass at the mechanic.

"What the-"

"Consider yourself punched, dude. Fruit punched."


	3. Don't Wanna

"Don't wanna, don'twanna, donwanna, dowanna, danna!"

Jensen kept repeating those two words at an increased speed until they became a blur. He just wouldn't step into that room.

"Jake, it will be over in a flash. Just go in," pleaded Clay, desperately wanting this to end.

Roque just sighed impatiently from his spot.

"Beth would have been done with it already _and_ would have done it bravely with a fake smile on her face. You're just being a baby," pointed out Pooch.

The speed of the _Don't Wanna's_ increased again. Or maybe the words had changed, but it was hard to tell. But this time, the words were accompanied by several steps backwards.

"Corriendo _(running)_" Cougar warned the others as he moved to block the only door out.

Thankfully, the windows didn't open enough for someone to pass through, and the team had asked that anything that could break glass be removed before their arrival. But clearly, trying to convince Jensen to go in would be futile this time again. So they went back to the way it was usually done.

By a combined effort, they pushed him inside and forced him on the chair. He managed to wiggle his way out of their grasps and run towards the door, only to be blocked by Aisha coming in. Knowing what was going on, she grabbed his ear and led him back to the chair, where she whispered something that caused his eyes to widen.

The _Don't Wanna's_ changed to _I've got to do it, I absolutely have to do it_. He did yelp when the needle pierced his skin, but he did not pull away like he usually tried to do and the nurse was done shortly after. Jake proudly showed off the small bandage and walked out of the room ahead of everyone. Clay looked at Aisha.

"We have _never_ had a blood test go this smoothly before. You have to tell me what you said to him so I can use it against him every chance I get."

Aisha shrugged without giving an answer.


	4. When Losers need money

… techs do drastic things.

With a shaky hand but a stoic demeanor, Jake put down a wad of money on the table. Pooch counted it and wrote down the total on his sheet of paper. Glancing at the number, Clay raised an eyebrow.

"How did you get so much in just two days? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that we're getting even closer to our total goal, but I am curious."

Jake paled. "I don't want to talk about it." Then he walked out of the room.

Clay almost let the matter drop but finally decided that his behavior was too unusual to ignore so he went after him. He found Jake in the living room, sitting by the window. His head was turned towards it, but he wasn't really looking at anything."I'd like to know, Jake."

The tech didn't turn around to answer. "I really don't want to tell you. Or anyone. It's too…" he shuddered. "…horrible. Disgusting even."

"Did you steal the money? Or hurt someone to get it?" was Clay's first guess, although he didn't see Jake doing either thing.

"No. It's even worse. I'm defiled. I'm ashamed. I've dirtied my very soul!"

"You didn't. Not for money."

Jake curled up into a ball. "No. It's infinitely bigger than that. And I am not telling you."

No matter how much Clay tried to pry the information, Jake wouldn't say a word. It was when Cougar came back that he was able to find out the truth. He demanded that, if Cougar knew, that he tell him what had happened. But the sniper said it wasn't his place to tell. But he would help get it out of Jake.

"Your sister will tell if you don't do it first," he told Jake as he stepped into the living room.

Jake whipped around so fast he nearly tripped over his own feet. His eyes were wide, but he rapidly looked down at the floor.

"It was a dare. One my sister made last week. I flat out refused at that time, but then we needed the money so badly and I couldn't figure out how to make it in such short notice. So I went to see her and accepted the dare. I. I-" he finished the sentence too fast to be understandable.

"Slowly."

"I installed Windows Vista! And I have to keep it for two weeks! Two!"

Clay rolled his eyes. "You'll survive."

"How can you say that? I most certainly won't!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I don't know how good/bad Vista is. I just used it in here because when I was buying my new laptop a few years back, a few friends I talked to told me to "Stay away from Vista", "Don't touch Vista", "If you see Vista sprinkle it with Holy Water"… oh, ok I admit it, I made up that last quote, lol. But still shows the sentiment I felt when people talked to me about it.**

**Oh, and I've been reminded…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Microsoft or Vista or whatever else I should be mentioning. This is purely for entertainment purposes and I don't make any money from this. And while I'm at it, I don't think I mentioned on this fic yet that I don't own the Losers or the characters and I also use them simply for entertainment and not for any money-making.**

**And just in case you guys/gals are not aware: Reviews make me smile. Give the gift of a smile?**


	5. Logical Inaccuracies

**A/N: I'm back with randomness extraordinaire. The basic idea was provided by my lovely muse (she knows who she is, *kiss*), but the craziness is all mine :)**

**I do not own the Losers, nor do I own the two lovely ladies with whom Jensen is chatting, and I do not own any of the other characters or movies referenced/mentioned in this chapter. And do not make any money from the aforementioned characters/movies.**

"It's riddled with inaccuracies," said as she glanced away from her computer screen.

Jensen was watching a movie with two friends via the internet, each having popped in the DVD and started it at the same time.

"Not if you assume that it is an alternate universe where it is a perfectly plausible thing," pointed out his other friend, screenname Major_Spectrometer.

Jensen shook his head. "Even if it is a world different from our own, it doesn't explain everything. I just can't put my finger on it, but there is something else that's off."

They kept watching for several minutes when Jensen called for a pause again.

"I know what's wrong with this movie! How can James Bond be in the same universe as Elton John, Primus and Loki?"

"I'm getting the James Bond reference, but Primus and Loki?"

Jensen just stared at the screen like Major should have known the answer. It took a moment for her to remember who he was talking about. "Oh! I disagree, it's more like Azazel and Fegan Floop than Primus and Loki."  
>"So not! Azazel isn't even human-looking so it doesn't work for this movie."<p>

Goddess decided to chime in with her own idea. "We have established that it is a different universe right? So what's there to prevent Azazel from looking human when he wants to? And it's not them anyway. It's doctor Henry Jekyll and Nightcrawler."

"You ladies are unbelievable! He doesn't have an accent, how can he be Nightcrawler?"

"Come on, Hacker. Brad isn't a prince and Piers isn't a god, so we could say your choices are just as bad."

"Now now, no squabbling. They can each be a little package that mixes all of those characters," Major interrupted.

"Like it's an alternate universe with Elton John, James Bond, Night Floopki and Azkyll The First?"

"Yeah, why not."

A voice coming from Major's side was heard off camera. "You stayed overtime to talk on your computer and watch… a concert?"

"A movie actually. But I guess concert is close enough, the girls do sing an awful lot. Come say hi to and CowboyLoverHacker."

No response was heard. "He's camera shy. Talk to you both another time." Major logged off.

"Looks like it's just you and me, Goddess," said Jensen. "Shall we unpause and keep watching, or do you want to debate the plausibility of several characters being one person? I mean I'm even willing to go off-movie and talk about you and Bert's ridiculous idea that I look like those Gant and Lee guys."

Before she could answer, the door to Jensen's room opened.

"You're watching the Spice Girls?"

"Boss! I have the sign up to say I'm in a live chat. You can't just barge in here when I'm in a live chat!"

Clay rolled his eyes. "Sorry for interrupting, Pen," he said to after leaning down to be in the camera's view.

"Shh, screen names only during a movie night, dear. And we already lost Major anyway so the movie trio discussion was already wrecked." She turned around in her chair suddenly and turned back to the screen in a panic. "I had totally forgotten that I was supposed to go out with the gang tonight. I'll never hear the end of it if they find out what I have been watching. Been fun, Hacker, but I gotta go." logged out as soon as she was done talking.

Clay took a seat on Jensen's bed. "How far along in the movie are you?"

"Not long left."

"Hit play. I might as well watch the end with you."

**Based on the characters mentioned (minus the two from Spice World) how many movies were you able to identify? (Rhetorical question, you don't ****have to give me an answer). If you're curious to know all the movies mentioned start by finding the actors who played Brad and Piers in Spice World. The first name in the pairs are characters played by the actor who did Brad, and second name in the pairs are characters played by the actor who did Piers. The two characters that Jensen says look like him, well look at the list of movies the actor playing Jensen was in and look for those last names.**


	6. How To Make A Game Better

**A/N: Thank you everyone for the reviews and faves. I may not get around to replying to each of you personally but I do read every review and appreciate the feedback :)**

**I've had a few ideas my friend threw my way since the last chapter. Good and even great ideas, but nothing that really made the randomness spark light up. Until I faced a similar scenario as what Jensen faces in the first two paragraphs… (oh, italics will represent Spanish dialogue in this chapter)**

Jensen cursed at the screen for the twelfth time in a minute. His gaming enemy was relentless. He had already lost cities and was slated to lose more before the onslaught was over.

There was nothing much left for him to do, he had already asked his friends for help and had already moved his own armies into place. The best he could hope for was that the friends he sent a message to would log on in time.

The worse wasn't the enemy's armies, it was the war leaders that accompanied some of the troops, they were the ones who took care of taking over the cities while the troops only looted. He wished there was something or someone in the game that could take care of those pesky little war leaders…

"_Tell me you're not hacking the school's system to check Beth's notes again,"_ said Cougar.

"Me? No. This morning her notes were exactly the same as they were yesterday and the day before."

There was still a page of code, or programming, or something Jensen liked to mess with, open on the blond's screen. And since he was in a trouble making mood lately – hack into foreign government systems to find out if they're harboring alien fugitives kind of trouble – they all had to keep tabs on what exactly Jensen was doing when online.

"Sit, I'll show you," Jake invited Cougar, interpreting the sniper's silence.

Jensen pressed a few keys and up popped what Cougar recognized as the medieval game Jake played. He could see the dozen enemy armies approaching, and suddenly the four war leaders dropped like stones one by one. That was something that wasn't supposed to happen.

"You hacked the game."

"No way, I don't want to get banned. I copied their program to my computer and made changes there. It doesn't affect their game or servers at all. Want to know what killed the leaders?"

Cougar nodded and decided to temporarily drop the issue of illegally copying of a game. Jensen zoomed the screen – something else not included in the game mechanics – until a small dot was visible atop the city tower.

"Taking out the war leaders is what we call 'sniping'. I just took it to another level."

Zooming in a bit closer revealed an animated Cougar tipping his hat to them.

"He's cute. I would play a game if it had that guy in it."

Jensen suddenly had a look of illumination, not unlike the kind one would have after discovering the meaning of life. "Careful what you wish for, Cougs."

"_On a more serious note, about the game copying…_"

**A/N: Jensen's game is based on one I play, and after losing several cities, not being able to do anything and being frustrated beyond belief, this popped into my head. All the game's terms except one were changed and some game mechanics were exaggerated (It was just more fun for Jensen's game to be able to see the war leaders fall).**


	7. Can't Stop Jensen

**A/N: I just got over a cold, and worked my way through it when it wasn't too bad, and it got me thinking about how Jensen would handle a nasty cold…**

Jensen had slept the required eight hours the night before, and had even taken the foul tasting medication he usually ran away from, but exactly 480 minutes after he had fallen asleep he was up and at it.

After getting dressed, he went to the kitchen, washed his hands more thoroughly than is humanly sane and donned a hospital mask. His reason, or at least the one he gave Clay, was _I'b baking breakfast for eferyone._ A normal Jensen only made breakfast for the group on special occasions, and as far as Clay could remember, it wasn't anyone's birthday nor was it an anniversary of any kind. It was only breakfast, so there was no point in worrying at this point.

But he was wrong. The first sign of strange behavior – strange for Jensen that is – was always the right time to worry. They all knew that, but they often let one or two things slide hoping that they had misjudged the strangeness and that Jensen would be fine.

Jensen didn't eat the food he made, instead settling only for orange juice and a bite of toast Cougar forced him to eat under threats no one but the tech heard. As the others finished eating, the blond disappeared. He came back hauling three bags of groceries.

"Jake, drop the bags! You have to rest or you'll never get rid of that cold. March yourself back to bed right this instant."

Jensen pouted as he put the bags on the table. "Yes boss."

Hours later, things were still quiet. They had heard no peep out of Jensen and his door had remained closed. Pooch was the first to look worried.

"You think he could have slept this long?"

Roque looked to Cougar. "D'you knock him out?"

The sniper shook his head.

"Guess it's time to check on him."

And as he made this observation, Clay headed to the room. He opened the door and found Jensen sitting on the ground in the middle of the room, needle in hand and thread hanging from his mouth. He was surrounded by the clothing he had been supposed to get fixed by the tailor weeks ago. The rest of the room was impeccably clean, which was quite the miracle in itself. Clay sat on the bed.

"Math has you confused? Cold plus rest equals no cold. I thought it was pretty simple."

Jensen rolled his eyes. "I'b bored."

"You can't sit nicely in bed and play one of those computer games you like but never have time for?"

"Cobputer gifes be a headache. So I hafe to find oder thinks to do."

Clay sighed, thinking quickly on how a compromise could be reached. "Ok, I'll let you do what you want, within the limits of the reasonable, _if_ you agree to add an afternoon nap to your day for as long as your cold lasts."

"Urgh, I don't know. Sounds useless to be."

"Breathing properly is useless? Or maybe you like coughing all the time?"

"Oh fine, daily nab time it is then."

**A/N: I want to thank everyone for the reviews again : )**


	8. A Christmas Loser

**A/N: I'm back. Again. : ) This Christmas themed ficlet I have for you is longer than the other ficlets I've written so far. I know it's a little passed Christmas, but I wrote this the day after and had my friend read it first to make sure I made sense : ). But of course, when it comes to Jensen, there has to be a little bit of –sometimes hard to decipher- craziness involved.**

**As always, I do not own the Losers nor do I own A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, which inspired the following ficlet like it has inspired many movie makers, playwrights, and so on.**

* * *

><p>For a long time, all that could be heard in the near-empty room was the echo of keyboard keys clicking away at furious speed, along with the occasional frustrated sighs that came to punctuate it like a period at the end of a sentence.<p>

Both abruptly stopped.

"Oh bah humbug. Christmas, what's really the point of it? The point isn't presents, cause obviously all I'm gonna get in this place is a cold. *grumble* drafty windows. Is it about religion? Oh, don't get me started on that. And if it's about togetherness, then why are we scattered in all corners of this town, digging up dirt on someone who did I don't know what? No Losers, no sister, no niece. It's only you and me here, Tanya. Not that I don't like you, but I'm not used to having you around yet, Old Betsy had been with me so long. But no, she couldn't be here, bad guys had to destroy her. Poor computer, one of the best friends I ever had."

Jake pushed his chair back, making it turn 180 degrees before getting up.

"Yeah, Christmas doesn't mean a thing anymore. Paint me green and call me Grinch!"

"Think I'd rather call you a scrooge, Techie."

Jake spun around, hand closing on the gun he kept on him. He relaxed when he saw it was just Clay, but then… he realized he could see outside the window, even if his boss was standing in front of it.

"What the eggnog is going on?"

The spectral-looking Clay chuckled briefly before taking on a more serious expression.

"You've lost the Christmas spirit, Jake. Not only that, but you've almost erased it completely from inside yourself. You will be visited by three spirits. The first will come at midnight."

Jake shook his head. "Uh, no. No spirits. I'm not in A Christmas Carol here. And you still haven't answered. What's going on? How are you showing up all transparent like that? Hologram! Oh, please tell me you're using a hologram, that would be cool. And me not having a Christmas spirit is my problem, not yours." He finished by crossing his arms.

"Three spirits Jake, the first arrives in a few minutes."

"Well, I'll be ignoring it. And I'll do a better job at it then when I tried to ignore the urge to bet all my candy stash at the last card game."

At midnight on the dot, a knock came at the door. Jake checked the makeshift security cam and saw a flesh and blood Pooch standing there. He swung the door open, relief showing in his bright smile.

"Oh Pooch, it's good to see you. Clay showing up all transparent-like was cool, but kinda obvious. Better luck on fooling me next time."

"Yeah, that whole transparency and appearing unanounced thing is old and tired. Spirits don't need that kind of showmanship. Now, to formally introduce myself, I am your ghost of Christmas past. Ready to go?"

Jake sat down, narrowing his eyes at Pooch. "I told hologram Clay that I would ignore his _ghosts_. If you insist on carrying on with that crazy joke then I'll have no choice but to ignore you."

Pooch laughed. "Ignore a ghost with magical powers? Alright, suit yourself."

He set a hand on Jake's chair and sent it spinning. Once the tech managed to stop it, he found that they were now elsewhere, the chair smack dab in the middle of a familiar living room.

"Holy mistletoe! No amount of holograms could project a false room with that much accuracy."

A baby crawled right past Jake's foot, heading straight to the Christmas tree.

"Beth's a baby! This is Christmas morning! And she's heading for that present because she heard her mom say what was in it. I tell you Pooch, my niece was one smart baby, I'm pretty sure she understood pretty much everything we said around her. The moment her mom said _new_ _teddy blanket_ Beth crawled right out of the room and at that tree. See? See? She's trying to unwrap the present!"

Pooch nodded, proud of the progress Jake was already demonstrating. "Isn't Christmas great?"

Spoken too fast.

"No it's not. They're not here are they? Well, not here here, but here where I was before you brought me here here. You know?"

With a sigh, Pooch sent Jake's chair into a spin again. Christmas with immediate family had failed, maybe a Loser Christmas would do the trick. That year, Jake's sister had insisted that he go out with the group. As long as Jake was back in time to open the presents the next morning, Beth would still be happy.

"They went all out to make the evening about me. A feast of candy, popcorn and sweet christmas punch. Sci Fi trivia, cheesy board games, Darth Vader pinata, Klingon Boggle. "

"Kinda hard to lose at Klingon Boggle when you're the only one who knows Klingon in the first place, ain't it?" said Pooch, elbowing the blond jokingly.

"Clay knew one or two words. Like the one for Silence and Stop." Jake crossed his arms, sensing that Pooch would make another _Christmas is great_ remark. "Yet, you guys aren't with me this Christmas either. Let me repeat my first sentence from earlier when it was just me and Tanya: Bah Humbug."

"You're one tough cookie to crack."

"You don't crack cookies, silly."

"How about one last Christmas Past?" said Pooch as he sent Jake twirling for a third time.

Jake saw himself alone. But he didn't look miserable at all, in fact he was grinning like a madman.

"Which Christmas is this, Jake?"

"Two years ago."

Jake wouldn't add anything as he watched himself pick up a picture of his sister and niece and begin to dance with it. The scene seemed to fade a bit, and overlapped with the image of himself, was that of Beth doing the same dance with a photo of Jake.

"I think I've proven my point," said Ghost Pooch as the image faded completely away to reveal the big empty room where they had started.

Jake turned around, but he was alone again. Barely five minutes had passed in the real world since this weird travel thing had started. Jake's computer started beeping gently. He went to it and was surprised to see Jolene's face appear.

"I thought it was too risky to get incoming from non team members? Is everything alright?"

"Everyone is safe if that's what you're asking. One thing is wrong, but we are taking care of it. I'm your ghost of Christmas Present."

"Nothing much you can show me, is there? I'm here, the others are holed up in other places, and…"

"Beth and your sister."

The screen changed to an image of his sister's living room, but the angle was a weird one, as if he was seeing it all from the point of view of someone sitting on the chair that he had officially claimed as his. The only other person allowed to sit in it was Beth, but he could see her sitting in front of the tree, unwrapping one of the presents he had bought for her before leaving. He could see his sister too.

"So who is sitting in my chair? How is this supposed to help me get my Christmas spirit back, Jolene? They've already replaced me with someone else."

"Shh, just wait and see."

Beth has just finished unwrapping the artist paint set, and she looked towards the camera with a large smile. "Thank you Uncle Jake! How did you know that was excatly what I wanted? I didn't even tell mommy!"

"You're going to confuse Uncle Jake, honey. We haven't even explained what we're doing yet."

"Oh right!" She ran to grab the camera and turned it around to reveal a dummy made of pillows sitting in the chair, a tripod standing close to it. "That's you Uncle Jake! You're filming Christmas so we can share it when you come back. We'll keep your presents all wrapped up so the real you can open them."

She replaced the camera carefully. "We didn't forget the others either, I made snowmen out of cotton balls to represent them too. They're on the mantel."

The image faded back to Jolene. "Christmas Present is short, but definitely sweet."

"That's it? I want to see more."

"You have to keep a bit of surprise for when you go back. If you don't get your Christmas Spirit back soon you won't be able to concentrate on the mission at hand. Your Ghost of Christmas Future will be around soon, to show you what could happen if you don't get it back."

A hand came to rest on Jake's shoulder as Jolene's image faded. He looked up to see Cougar, but strangely, he couldn't distinguish his face under the hat. Jake didn't try to talk to him. He knew too well what the ghost of Christmas Future usually showed to the Scrooge character.

Cougar motioned for Jake to follow him, and led him to the door of the room. Taking a deep breath, Jake opened it to find complete darkness.

"What is this? What are you showing me? What's going to happen if I don't get my Christmas Spirit back? Cougs? Come on man, tell me. Or show me, whatever. What's going to happen?"

Jake kept repeating the question as the light faded, leaving him in complete darkness. Then slowly he started to feel something hard against his face. His keyboard, he soon realized. He looked up and scrutinized the room. Nothing was out of place. There were no ghosts, no impending darkness through the door. A glance at the clock told him that is was just a minute before midnight.

"It's not Christmas yet!"

He scrambled to find the radio and switch it to the right frequency. As his clock ticked midnight, he pressed the button. "To all the losers out there, Merry Christmas. "

"And may whatever diety bless us all," grumbled Roque.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: There is a reason for the dark room. A threat is always worse when not explained. It leaves space to the imagination, and Jensen isn't lacking imagination, lol. Whatever he thought might happen is probably worse than anything the Cougar Ghost could have shown him.**


	9. Impromptu Trip

**A/N: Random as random can be, that's where I'm at right now :)**

**Thanks a bunch to all the new followers and favoriters! I haven't forgotten about all of you, and my imagination has been cooperative lately, so much so that I have a multi-parter started. But it still fits with the theme so instead of making a new story I'm posting it in with the ficlets.**

**Here goes part one :)**

Jake was surprised to receive a phone call from his sister, and the fact that she coughed loudly after the first word didn't even seem to register in his mind.

"You're supposed to be getting yourself and Beth ready for the trip tomorrow! You can't seriously tell me you're done already, it's too soon for you both to be ready."

/ Beth *cough* _is_ ready for the trip already, she finished packing an hour ago since she was so excited. But I've come down with the flu. *cough* *cough* I need you to take my place as chaperone. I've already called the activity group to ask if it was alright, and they're expecting you to arrive with Beth in the morning./

"Oh cool! Not that you're sick, that sucks of course. But, I'm going to disneyland? I'll go pack right away."

He dropped the phone without thinking and ran towards his room, nearly knocking down Clay. This one didn't have to ask him what was going on because Jake was chattering excitedly as he moved. Clay picked up the phone.

"Impromptu trip? That flu finally got you, didn't it? You should have listened to us."

/Yes Clay, I should have taken five different pieces of advice, *cough* one of which consisted of taking a substance illegal in this country. I think I prefer having the flu and not poison or maim myself from Loser advice,/ she said with a slight chuckle that sent her into another coughing fit.

She explained exactly what the situation was regarding Jake and the trip.

/So just a few days. I promise the other chaperones will make sure he comes back in one piece./

"I'm sure they will," he told her.

_It's the other chaperones that may not come back in one piece if Jensen goes without proper supervision._ Was his unspoken thought. But Jake probably wouldn't take it well if he was told they needed to keep an eye on him, and he wasn't likely to believe it if they pretended the group of kids needed secret supervision….

**A/N: So far I think I've been good in keeping with the current rating. But depending on what ideas pop into my head, I may have to eventually bump the rating up a bit just to be on the safe side. Just wanted to give you all a heads up in case.**


	10. Impromptu Trip (part 2)

**A/N: Not as much going on in this second part of the trip (it's actually pretty short), but wanted to share it with you while I work out the itinerary of the kids' group day through the park :)**

**Oh, and text between / is distance conversations, phone or other.**

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><p>The Losers wished Jensen a good trip as he climbed into the mini bus. They watched it roll away until it was out of sight. Clay turned to his team, who had already pulled out the hidden luggage out of the bushes.<p>

"Pooch, is transportation ready? We have to get there before they do."

"I called in a favor, the plane is in the hangar, fueled up. And take off schedule is cleared with the airport."

"Good. Everyone better have appropriate attire to blend in," he said, specifically looking in Cougar and Roque's direction.

The first shrugged, and the latter glared. "I'll stand out no matter what I wear. I told you I have no place in this op, I'll be spotted the moment he enters the park."

"I'm planning a special task for you for exactly that reason."

Roque immediately feared the twinkle in his superior's eyes.

* * *

><p>"Oh, hey no!" Roque was having none of Clay's <em>special task<em>.

Clay held up the costume and ignored the complaints. "You said yourself that you would stand out. This way you would be unrecognizable."

Roque snatched the costume from his hands. "You'll owe me big for this, Colonel."

* * *

><p>Bluebird has entered the park/ growled Roque.

/Bluebird? I thought we were calling him Cinderella and the kids were the Bluebirds?/ asked Pooch.

/No bird brains. Roque _you're_ Bluebird. Cinderella is me. The kids are Dwarfs, Jensen is Prince Charming and the chaperones are Evil Queens. I swear, I don't know how your team is still alive, Snow White./

/I don't know either to be honest./ You could almost hear Clay rubbing his head. /Let's get our heads back in the game. Are they all in, or just Prince?/

/All./

Roque, being the closest and within earshot of the group of children, then relayed that the kids were begging to go to a different attraction each and couldn't come to an agreement on whose choice to do first.

/It's going to be a long day./


	11. The Bro Code

**A/N: Alrighty, this one came to me after seeing a commercial. Not naming which one, but I'll just say that the guy was trying to impress a woman who likes her men with a hairless back, which then prompted someone to make the comment that it would be kinda hard for him to shave it himself (and nope, he couldn't go to a professional to get it done, cause it was a razor commercial). Which got me thinking about how most women would have no problem asking a friend to help them do something (hold my poofy wedding dress so it doesn't get ruined while I go answer the call of nature? For example). While it's rather funny to imagine a guy making puppy eyes at his best bud "hey Bro, shave my back so I can impress a chick?"**

**Long Author Note I know. So the point is, this fic is a situation of a man asking one of his friends to do something utterly ridiculous : )**

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><p>"Jensen, you have to help me with something."<p>

"Sure, what do you need help with?"

Clay glanced quickly around. "Before I tell you, I'm invoking the Bro Code because it's an unusual request. If you don't lend your assistance, I'll take it as you refusing to help a fellow man in his moment of dire need."

"...ok" came the rare non-verbose response.

" I need to make this gorgeous woman jealous and the only way to do that is to make her think I'm taken, but I don't know any woman who would be willing to play along.

"Oh so you need me to find one for you? I'm not sure I know the right woman for the task, but I'll look. How is that an unusual request anyway?"

"No, no, I need _you_ to play the woman. I asked Pooch, but Jolene said no, and you don't mess with a woman who says no."

Jensen stopped moving, maybe even breating, for a second. "What? Ah, come on, really? Cougs makes a better woman than I do and you know it. He's more graceful and all, I'm all awkward and stuff."

"I asked him and got threatened at gunpoint. I forgot to invoke the Bro Code before I made my request so I couldn't push the issue. "

"I don't know Clay, not sure I can pull it off."

"If you don't, Roque would be my last option. Do you think _he_ can pull it off?"

Jensen actually seemed to consider it but Clay shook his head. "Even if somehow he could do it, there's no way we're getting him in a dress again. You, Jake. You're my only hope."

"Oh fine, but you're buying me something in exchange for my help."

.-.

Jensen was all decked out in a crimson knee length dress belonging to his sister. He'd had to swipe it from her closet when Clay insisted that the Bro Code demanded this be kept between the two of them. He wore the blond wig he had gotten the previous Halloween when the Losers had shown up at a costume party dressed as the Spice Girls. Jensen pulled on the heels just before they got out of the vehicle. He clung to Clay's arm for balance and glanced up at the neon sign of the bar.

"I know the Bro Code exists under various forms and countless names, but I never heard of the rule where a guy will be shamed for if he doesn't play along in a scheme that will shame him regardless. What if someone figures out I'm a dude and blurts it out to the whole bar? Or worse yet, what if someone recognizes me? If this rule really does exist, I think you're misinterpreting it and taking it too far."

"You think so?" asked Clay with a glance at Jensen's illusion of cleavage and an amused smile.

The blond let go of the arm supporting him and took a moment to steady himself.

"There's no such rule in the Bro Code, is there? Bet there's no woman to impress either."

Clay chuckled "If it took you this long to realize that, then you fully deserve to be dragged in there, let's go in, beautiful."

Jensen rolled his eyes and figured he might as well play along regardless now that he was there.

They went in and it wasn't long before they heard a familiar voice.

"I can't believe he did it. Your lack of pride cost me 50 bucks, blondie," grumbled Roque.

"You look better than on Halloween. Maybe red is more your color than blue?" said Pooch, also handing money to Clay.

"You did choose the right dress, it may even look better on you than it does on me," said his sister with a pout, digging money out of her purse.

Clay counted his money and handed half to Cougar. "He's the only one who figured you'd agree to do it."

"Yeah, anything to help a fellow man in his moment of dire need," answered Jensen, rolling his eyes. "I shaved for this? Really? A bet. Thanks a bunch guys. Can I at least ditch the heels?"

"I suspected you would like to do that," said his sister, kicking off her flats shoes that just happened to match his dress.

"Why thank you." He turned to Clay "Now sir, since you decided to bring me out on a date tonight, you're going to dance with me, and you better keep up. I'll be on the dance floor all night."

Clay's eyes widened and he gave everyone a pleading look that went unanswered as Jensen dragged him away.

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><p><strong>AN: yes, I went there. Losers Spice Girls. Usually I would have been nice to Roque and made his Sporty Spice so he could have at least worn pants, but I'm not the Losers, Clay wanted the pants for himself, and the others had already chosen who they wanted to be, so Roque was stuck with the only one left, Ginger Spice!**

**Oh, and not sure where Aisha was in this one really….**

**As for the Impromptu Trip, I'm currently stuck, so don't know when I'll have the third part up.**


	12. Hazards of the Road

**A/N: Oh my, I meant to post this much sooner, I wrote it back at the end of August and just forgot to type it up until now. But here it is, finally **

Road trips were a special kind of hell for the Losers.

Jensen would first give the impression that he'd be a delight to travel with, mostly keeping to himself. That is, until he got himself online. Then he'd be pulling people's ears, to show them the latest Lol-Cat or meme. Even when in his own bubble he'd ooh, aah and tell the screen exactly what he thought of what he was seeing.

Roque was always a grumpy traveller and preferred to nap to pass the time. However, Jensen's travel habits had a tendency to keep him awake. And thus Roque became synonymous with the well known _Are we there yet?_ But punctuated with various adult adjectives.

Originally they had been the only two to watch out for. Nowadays you also had Aisha, the worst backseat driver the Losers had ever known. She'd once nearly pushed her way on Pooch's lap to take control of the wheel after he had repeatedly refused to follow her directions.

The latter two were not coming on this trip and the remaining Losers thanked their lucky stars that they'd only have Jensen to deal with. The stars on the other hand, weren't so generous…

For a while, Jensen was unusually quiet. No one dared break the silence, but they watched as the blond dismantled an umbrella and somehow connected it to Clay's backup phone. Jensen had once qualified that phone T_he dinosaur that didn't survive one day in the dinosaur age cause it was eaten. By plants._ He moved around the mini bus, trying every window, then the doors, and even under the seats. Half an hour later he sat down with a small whimper of defeat.

"What's wrong?" asked Cougar.

"I can't get a connection."

Clay turned around in his seat. "You? Not connected? You should have your phone, your computer, something. This is the day and age of people with smart phones connected 24/7 and business people working on the road with those personal wifi things. And you're telling me my tech extraordinaire can't get a connection when we're passing through a town that has free wifi on every street corner?"

"My bag is missing, and I can swear I placed it riiiiiiight…" he looked around "… there," he finished, pointing the backseat. "So the only thing I could find was your dinosaur that-"

"Got eaten by the plants, I know. You're not ever going to get the internet on that thing, no matter how smart you are."

Jensen suddenly thought of something and basically fell to his knees in front of Clay. "Can I have your other phone?"

Clay ignored the puppy eyes. "I didn't bring it."

Still on his knees, Jensen shuffled over to Pooch. "Pooch, my man."

"Sorry Jensen, broke it yesterday, remember?"

When Jensen came to him, Cougar made him sit and shook his head before the question came. "Cards?" he suggested.

Jensen sighed and nodded. A few hours later they arrived and Jensen, wanting to be nice, picked up Cougar's bag. Out of it fell a phone.

"You had one? Why didn't you let me use it?"

"I was bored."

"Ah, and needed company. I see," said Jensen with a smile. "Can I have it on the way back?"

Cougar nodded.

**Bonus**

"No Roque, I don't care what happened. You will stand down. I can't have you getting into a fight with a rookie, however little respect and sense he has."

"Seriously? You must think you're my mother. You don't get to make that decision for me."

"You're not beating the kid up, and that's an order, leave it alone."

Roque walked off with a huff. Later, when everything was packed for the trip, Roque went up to the bus and pulled out Jensen's bag. Forcing Clay to deal with a disconnected tech should be enough payback…


	13. Christmas Morning

**A/N: Merry Christmas, or whatever wishes apply to what you celebrate, dear readers. I knew I wanted to write something for you today and this is what it turned out to be. It just came out like that without me thinking about it.**

The Losers sat in complete silence. The rain was battering down on the roof of the tin shack they were taking shelter in.

It was Christmas morning.

They hadn't been anywhere close to a point of communication in two weeks, and were most likely considered missing.

Pooch was looking at a photo of his family. He was missing his son's first Christmas. He knew he wouldn't be there physically, but he and Jolene had hoped to have a video call at least.

Jensen, well he was staring through a crack in the wall. They had all expected him to also pull out a photo and to chatter their ears off about what presents he had bought for his sister and niece before leaving, and giving them a detailed walkthrough of what he thought the girls would look like as they opened them that morning. But the tech had gone eerily quiet.

Three hours later and Jensen wasn't getting any better. Clay decided it was time.

He got up and sat by the blond. He handed him the first thing he could get his hands on, a rock.

Jensen frowned.

"What's that for?" he asked weakly.

"That is your Christmas present. From your sister."

Jensen threw the rock away. "You're an ass and you're not funny."

Clay calmly went to pick it up and brought it back.

"I'm serious. Your sister and I had a very serious talk before we were sent out. She made it clear what protocol I should follow if something like this were to happen, if you were to miss them both so much that you start to lose yourself. I was to offer you something, any little thing, as a present on her behalf. You know why?"

Jensen shrugged uncomfortably.

"For the same reason Pooch says goodnight to the moon every night. Because loved ones no matter how far they are physically, in other ways they are always as close as you need them to be. And on Christmas morning you need them both as close as this rock is right now."

A single tear rolled down the tech's cheek and he took the rock from Clay's hand.

"Merry Christmas, lovely girls," he whispered to the rock.

**A/N: I know, it turned out to be cheesy and a little sad, not quite the mood I was aiming for. But as I said this is just what came out, and letting things come out it what works best lately **


End file.
